lets make it simple

 so its christmas break once again.  i can't help but think about how last christmas break my dad was here.  he was here and we knew that the cancer had come back but the outlook was positive.  if i knew then that a year from then the only times i would see him following my visit at xmas break that i would see him were august in the hospital finding out that he had weeks to live and then in september watching him die, i would have done so many things different in the three weeks that i spent, merely coexisting with him.  my dad and i had a weird relationship.  we could be best friends at times and other times we were at complete odds over something.  he was someone that i respected very much, while not understanding a majority of what he did.  i thought for most of my life that he was the strongest man in the world, even if it was just because he could open the stubborn jar of pickles.  and i swear he could open and jar that the lid was too tight on.   i respected him even more after i told him about me and cati and he just said that he trusted my decisions and he wanted me to be happy.  and i think now he can see how happy i am and i'm sure he's proud of me.

but anyhow, last christmas we didn't really do anything together.  when he was in the kitchen i was in the living room.  when he was in the living room i generally chose to be in my bedroom.  he would invite me to the vfw with him but i would always decline.  i wish that i could go back and go with him just once to have that memory.  i wish i would have had more conversations with him.

august came as a total shock.  i mean, me and speed came home to visit and that is when he went i  the hospital, and not for anything major.  just some pain that was "normal."  i guess if what they meant by normal was the cancer metasticising and spreading to his spinal cord, and killing him, yeah then normal is appropriate.  the rest of august was a blurr.  sitting in his hospital room, deciding there was nothing we could do, returning to school for work the next day, working for an hour and a half and having to rush home because it was the "end" although it really wasn't.  deciding if he should go home or go to a nursing home.  the look on his face when we told him that he only had weeks to live.  do you know what it is like to tell your father that he is dying?  its not a good feeling.  and then when he tries to say goodbye to you.  watching him loose feeling in his legs and seeing him not be able to move himself around.  but he laughed through it the whole time.  arguing with the doctors over what the truth was, because one said he would be fine and the other said it was a matter of time. 

september i didn't think would be the way it was.  we got to the nursing home at about 1am saturday the 8th, slept on and off there on the floor and just tried to absorb all i could of him because it was definitely the end.  he slept for 15 minutes at a time and then would wake up for about 2 minutes crying because it hurt so bad and asking for more medicine.  he tried to kill himself at some points, not while we were there.  he was trying to seem strong because he knew that we were all there and god forbid he look weak in front of his children.  my aunt and uncle came by a couple times, i think.  he had this thing under his mattress because he would try to get out of bed, unsuccessfully, since he lost all feeling/movement from the waste down in august and it just kept going off even though he wasn't moving.  the machines in his room were the loudest machines they could possibly find i think, just to make us all the more comfortable, and to make it even better his room was as hot as they could possibly get it.  saturday was a long day and it seems like it was more than one day.  sunday at my moms we got woken up at 3am by the phone, my mom calling and saying to hurry.  she had stayed with my dad while we went home so that the next day she could come home and sleep while we went and stayed with him.  it never got that far though.  by the time we got there, he was going, fast.  he had taken off his oxygen thing and said "god help me" and then he just sort of laid there.  his one eye was open which was creepy.  and i got to watch as he stopped breathing and his heart stopped beating.  then there was nothing left to do.  well there was a lot to do, but nothing we could do for him.  and there was no way i was going to sleep when we got home.  i called cati pretty much as soon as i got home and i just wanted to be with her and i couldn't and i think that made it ten times worse.  

watching my dad die is by far the worst memory i have, and its probably one that will stay with me forever.  and i don't think of my dad as weak because of it.  i still think he's the strongest man in the world.  

why write this now?  idk because i haven't yet and i can.  i think about him all the time.  pretty much all day long.   when i'm in class i get to thinking about him and it makes me want to throw up.  its been almost four months.  his birthday would have been the 8th of january and he would have been 60.  thats going to be a hard day.  

i still haven't gone to see the headstone.  i don't think i can.  yet.  idk.  

i wish cati was here.

so i never really post in here anymore.  

don't have the motivation to or something.  

i don't know what to say. 

My dad died last saturday around 3:30.  his death certificate says 3:45 but he was gone before them, due to respiratory failure which was due to the tumor in his spine.  he went peacefully which was good.  according to my mom he just took off his oxygen thing, said God help me and then went to sleep.  we got there at maybe quarter after and just stayed with him until he passed.  it was the hardest thing in the world.  and i miss him so much.  i just can't stop thinking about him laying there and just going.  

he was in so much pain last weekend.  you could see it in his face even though he really didn't want us to.  sometimes he would wake up and just be crying because that is how much it hurt.  and they were giving him pain meds every hour almost by saturday night or sunday morning.  

the last time that i saw him healthy was christmas.  seems like from right after then on he was sick sick sick from the chemo and then radiation.  and i hate that a week before he went in the hospital they told us that he was in remission.  those lying motherfucking assholes.  the last month has been by far the worst of my life.  and i just want to rewind and have it go differently.  because there's nothing we can do now.  i can't go home again and tell my dad i love him.  it isn't like a stupid fight and i'm mad at him.  i can never see my dad again.  ever.  he's gone.  GONE FOR FUCKS SAKE HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN?!  I AM NEVER GOING TO SEE HIM AGAIN.  and i hate that and i hate the world.  how how how how how in the world is it possible that my dad is gone?!  he's...he's not supposed to be...he's supposed to be better and at home and joking around with my mom and buzzing his buzzer at her and ....he's not supposed to be gone.  its not right and its not FUCKING FAIR!!!

and its selfish but he's not going to be at my graduation or my wedding or get to be around for my kids or anything like that.  

i just can't believe he's really gone.  


and i'll never see him again.  ever. 



DAD JUST COME BACK AND TELL ME THIS IS A LIE.

oh my fucking god i can't believe this.

my dad is dying.  

weeks.

thats what they give him.

weeks.  

everything is going abso-fucking-lutely crazy.

this week since friday has been a total rollercoaster and i don't feel like going into it right now but i have been to my parents and back twice in the last 6 days.  and in 6 days, given that nothing else goes wrong, i will be with cati.  and that is all i really want.

i'm in leitzel right now and will be working on moving the rest of this week until i go home thursday after work.  

YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  i'm so fecking excited.  and steph is here...well at senate retreat right now...but hanging out with her is awesome cause...well duh i miss everyone!!!!

leitzel leitzel leitzel love it love it love it WOOOHOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



ps i love my girlfriend!

my dad is officially in remission!!!!!!!!!!  my mom told me today and i am sooo happy!!!  no more radiation, no more chemo, now all he has to do is recovery from the radiation which he finished a week ago and then he will not be sick anymore!!!!!!!!!!!  yay!!!!!  that is such a relief you don't even know.

also, steph is coming tomorrow!!!

and, i get to move to leitzell when i come back from mom and dad's!!!!!!!!

omg school is coming up so fast!

so its august 8th.  can you believe that?  20 days and she'll be back here.  yay!

in one week and 2 days i will be on my way home to see the parentals and for the family reunion which is the 19th.  me and speed are going.  yay us.  idk about my sister.  she doesn't even know yet.  whatever.  wayde and lisa were going to go with us but then my mom called and said that she would rather they didn't and that makes me happy because that means that it will just be me and speed and we will be taking his truck and so we can listen to loud music and not listen to wayde talk about how awesome he is.  also i can't wait to see my mom.  my dad...idk how i feel about that really because i'm very scared to see him but at the same time excited but still REALLY EFFING SCARED.  because he's not going to look the same.  he shouldn't be sick though.  that will be good.  

cati and i got in a mini fight yesterday.  i say mini because we weren't really arguing fighting but she was giving me the silent treatment.  but she called me this morning and everything is fine.  so yeah.  the joyous countdown continues to her return.

i am done working the 23rd.  i finally decided for sure that that is what i want to do.  so i'll be hanging out bored for 5 days but at least i can do whatever and SLEEP IN!  

i get to sleep in this week because we work 12-8 instead of 9-5 because we have to be answering questions that freshmen ask us on our fancy aim chat thing.  new2wick is the lame-ass screenname that they picked.  yucko.  whatever i get paid to sit around and do nothing for 8 hours everyday.  so thats nice.

i can't effing wait to go home.  you don't even understand.  my mom.  i miss my mom.  but i'm super excited to see her in 9 days!!!!!!!

the end

i just finished reading harry potter.  and.  yay.  i loved it.  and i totally fell that an era of my life is over.  i finally know what happens to harry.

its friday!!  i can't believe its already july too!  word son.  

today marks 6 weeks since caitlin left.  8 more to go.  not that i'm counting.  

work work work.  i am at work.  borrrrrred.  

the summer has gone by fast so far and that is good.  cati has been really sad lately and i hate that there is nothing that i can do.  i wish that i could go visit her this summer but i just don't think that it is going to work out.  well as fast as the first half of the summer has gone...hopefully the second half will go just as fast and then it will be over before i know it.

work has been good.  jen is out for this week but otherwise when she is here it is much more fun and the days go by faster.  monday was a DOC and this coming monday is another one...the last full one.   and i won't be working the last one anyway because i have mentor training.  to be a mentor.  i don't know if me choosing to be a mentor was such a great idea.  oh well.  guess i have to now.

done

today was a good day.  so was yesterday.  and everyday.  i love being home.  i don't really want to go back to the wick.  but i do cause i love the way my room is set up now and i love being on my own and doing whatever.  but i love being home.  love love love.

hmmm nothing else to say.  

i think we are going to the zoo sometime this week.  haha the zoo.  love it.

oh yeah...silas is awesome.  he's pretty much my hero.  haha.

<3 love you caitlinpearl 

you can come home now whenever you want.

so i haven't updated this thing since spring break.  lol.

it summer.  yay for no more classes.  and yay for good grades.  this has been my best semester and it was the hardest.   

one week down!  

one more week at home and then it'll be time to head back to the wick to start work the 11th.  uh.  lame.  boring.  not really looking forward to it but i suppose it'll make time go by right?  right.

um.

bye then.

its tuesday.  tomorrow is halfway!  yay for that.  

tomorrow is the funeral and i get to babysit the kids and maybe even some extras!  grrrrreat!  nah it won't be bad...it'll give me something to do.  

so joan was in a really bad car accident and that sucks.  it might make this summer unnecessarily difficult and i really hope that she is okay cause joan is awesome.  and she just got to be done using that cane and now she'll have to be back on it and that sucks hardcore!  well i mean first she'll have to start walking again.  but yeah.  then i'm sure she'll have to use a cane again.  

seeing terrance tonight was very cool.  and i'll probably see him again tomorrow but only for a little while cause i guess he is leaving right after the funeral.

i played god of war for ps2 yesterday and it is really fun and i wasn't sure if i wanted it for my birthday or not but i think that i have decided that i do because i just kept wanting to play it today and so i think i would definitely play it if i got it.  but the one that i saw in walmart was $50 because it was some special 2 disc set and i don't want that i just want the normal one that i played yesterday!  oh well.  

and i already know that i'm getting a digital camera for my birthday cause my mom bought it and sent it in the mail!  yay for that!  yay for having a birthday after income tax returns come back!  it should be waiting when i get back to school and that would be amazing.  i don't have to wait til my birthday to get it.  my mom thought that i would be disappointed if i knew that was what i was getting now instead of waiting to have it as a surprise and i said NO just get it for me!  but nicer than that.  

i'm tired so i guess that is all.

in 24 hours i will be back on campus with the girlfriend.  yay for that.  

tomorrow is church.  hopefully i will wake up in time.  i will.  i just don't know if i want to ride with speed or with K&J.  cause if i ride with K&J i can read on the way and get that book finished up and i will know that i'm not going to die.  but with speed...well i always ride with him!  idk we'll see.  i'll probably ride with speed.  

the book that i'm reading is awesome and they're making it into a movie.  its pretty creepy too.  but i really like it.  its by frank peretti and ted dekker ... both of which are really good authors.  and then they just got together and wrote this book and i really like it!  

i do NOT want classes to start on monday!!!! ahhh!!!! nooooo!!!!!  oh well i'll get over it i guess.  yep i will.  at least i am taking three psych classes with steph and then one of my other classes i have with sandy so i'm only on my own in one class.  

silas is adorable.  i write that every time.  but every day he does something cuter.  today he told me "i'm not your best friend" and then i pretended to cry and so then he said it again but i didn't do anything and he was like "CRY!!!!  CRY!!!!"  and it was so funny.  and so i asked him if i was his best friend again yet and he said "NO.  NOW CRY!!!!"  and i was like no i have other best friends.  and he didn't care he just wanted me to cry and he kept doing that off and on all night.  and it was awesome.  and then paul and sharon were over visiting and i asked silas if he wanted to go play with his trucks and he was sitting on the couch playing with me and he was like "no i wanna play with you!" and i told him that i would go with him and he was like "okay hold my hand."  lol he's a sweetheart and i am going to find a way to steal him and keep him on campus. 

hmm well i'm tired and the sooner i go to sleep the sooner it will be tomorrow.  so i'm going to sleep now!  yay for sleep.

its FRIIIIIDAY!!!!

i watched greys on abc.com earlier today cause i couldn't watch it last night.  um.  WOW.  effing meredith at the end.  AHHH i need it to be next thursday already!!!  come on now you can't just leave me hanging like that!!

today has gone by pretty fast.  talked to cati on the phone at like 11:30.  yay.  told her what she was getting for v-day.  cause she has to pick it out so that i can order it.  so she won't get it ON v-day but oh well she'll get over it.  

i can't wait for the next 48 hours to go by because i will be on campus and maybe she will too.  but idk.

not looking forward to classes starting though.  cause that is BOOOORING.  duh.  

si is being a weirdo.  and its cute.  like always.  he's the freakin cutest kid in the world!!!!!

i don't have anything else to update about.
bored

but the upside down show is coming on in 15 minutes and that is pretty entertaining.  about as entertaining as kids shows get. 

today is better than yesterday.  it feels better than yesterday did.  yesterday i knew that i should have been seeing cati and blah blah blah and the disappointment just sucked.  but today its like...whatever.  i mean i miss her but i'll see her sunday and for now i'm going to enjoy playing with SILAS!!!!

i watched last weeks episode of grey's on abc.com and that was satisfying.  i watched it last week but i just wanted to watch it yet again.  and that means that if i miss the episode tonight since i am at my sisters and don't really watch tv i can just go to abc.com and watch it tomorrow!!!  yay.  and that is exactly what i will do!!!  and i went to the cw website and watched last nights episode of beauty and the geek that i missed and i think that jennylee and nate are cute and should fall in love forever and be happily ever after.  

not much else is going on today.  i'll probably play the sims later or watch more tv on the internet because i feel like it!  yay!

the end.

i miss you and i love you!!  see you sunday.  thurs. fri. sat. sun.

wednesday thursday friday saturday...sunday.


see you sunday i miss you

we're not going.  

she's not coming.

maybe i'll see her friday instead.

i know that its only 2 more days or 4 more days if i wait til sunday.  but i feel like we paid our dues this summer and we have to do it over again for two more summers and i was supposed to see her tomorrow and now i can't and i just want to vomit i'm so frustrated.  

i just want to see her.  NOW.

like the subject says, i'm really bored.  so this will probably be long and boring and rambling about nothing.

called caitlin today to see what was going on about going to marie's and if she was still coming down even though the weather is pretty bad.  we are still going she is still coming YAY!!!!  i was so worried because we went grocery shopping today and i was like oh god steph's not gonna want to go.  but then i get ims from cati saying about how her dad wants to bring her later than we planned and how she couldn't get ahold of steph so then i called her to see if she had and she told me that plans were that we might leave thursday morning and just spend the night at stephs on wednesday.  WHATEVER i just want to do SOMETHING!!!!  it will suck if we don't get to do anything because then i'll just be bored and i am bored now and i don't like it so i probably won't like it if i am bored in the future.  duh.  

so yes that made me happy.

also...silas.  he makes me happy to.  he is freaking adorable.  i can't get enough of that kid.  he talked to cati on the phone earlier and it was cute and it made her happy.  only problem is that if i want to adopt him i have to adopt karen and jon too.  thats what he told me.  so thats a no.

dad is ... not great.  i guess he is tired A LOT of the time and basically just stays in bed from sunday to wednesday.  then he has to get up on thursdays for chemo!  and this week he has a cat scan and mri or something like that...two big tests...to see if the chemo is getting rid of the cancer or not.  lets hope it is!  god.  it would suck if it wasn't.  

i thought about going home for spring break but i don't really know if i could handle seeing my dad all sick and bald and old looking.  and i mean it is a while from now but not really that long.  like a month and a half?  he'll still be in chemo then.  and still bald.  and sick.  ugh.

hmmm i have to get a v-day present for caitlin.  idk what.  she says something good.  that doesn't really help me that much!  huh.

wednesday wednesday i love wednesday.  yay.  tomorrow will be a good day.  i don't think we are doing anything around here really.  maybe we'll have to go get stuff from curtis lumber or something for jon.  idk.  i DO know that i will be sleeping in again.  i slept til like ten today.  that was NICE compared to seven when we were babysitting the kiddies.  that was noooot fun.

what else can i ramble about.  hmmmm.  nothing i don't think i have anything to ramble about.

i want to play the sims.  that is what i will do tomorrow.  i have such a rough life.  sit on the couch and play the sims all day.  yuck.  

<3 i love you

i want the weather to be nice on wednesday.  i want that more than anything right now.  you don't even know.  and i wish it was wednesday already.  today is going by mostly fast though i think.  well its only 9am but i woke up at 7 and the last two hours have gone by fast so here's hoping that that continues.

silas is freaking cute.  he just came over to me and said "I'm your best friend!"  lol he's adorable.  and i'm going to steal him.  oh man so he's talking to karen and he goes "speedos my best friend.  and aunt sadie is my best friend." and then he said like one other thing and was like "can i talk to daddy now?" and like just stopped talking to karen and then he tried to ask jon what he was doing at work and jon didn't understand him and silas got sick of it and just gave me the phone.  

hmmm i'm bored and i'm tired.  i want to go back to sleep.  i can't wait until sunday night when i can sleep downstairs and get up whenever i want to.  one more night upstairs and then three downstairs and then i'll be seeing cati!!  oh my god i can't wait.  i mean its only five days that we're apart (ten if the weather is bad) but i don't care i still would much rather be with her.  duh.

maybe i will play the sims.  idk what to do.  just something to pass the time!  

i think there is something in my eye.  it hurts.  

<3 i love you and i miss you

so it basically feels like as soon as i get back to her...i have to leave again.  i wish time would slow down.

i think i did good on my final...it seemed pretty easy.  except the question about the 4/5ths rule.  i hate that rule.  i understand it but i can't explain it other than the formula.

whatever

i can't wait until wednesday!  i really hope that the weather and the roads are nice. marie's house yay!!  oh and the woman duh.

omg and this stupid dog Kimber.  wtf.  i want orly back.  

<3